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Interference
Oh, my good God… Mother Sues McDonald’s for ‘Interfering’ With Kids Happy Meals just got a little more expensive for McDonald’s: the fast food chain has been sued by California mother Monet Parham for...
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Mmmm, Candy Hearts 6
*munches candy hearts* What are they saying? “YOU RULE”. Yes, yes, I know. “HELLO”. Well, hello yourself, little candy heart! “MY CUTIE”. Why, thank you! “SEE YA”. Bye! “GET REAL”. Well, fine, be that...
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When I Saw It…
Wow, my ass sure does hurt. From all the humongous gold bricks I shat. Five Alive?! In my United States?!
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It’s Best
How can anybody possibly have a problem with breastfeeding? Every now and then I hear about some mall or museum or whatever that kicked out a mother for feeding her baby in public. Even if that doesn’t...
View ArticleNo Sugar for Students
Dear Overzealous Anti-Sugar School Official, Awww, isn’t that cute? You hear that sugar is evil and want to keep kids away from it. You’ll go to any ridiculous lengths to keep them from buying it...
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Temptations for Ageism
Now for a growed-up, snack-packy edition of… YOU SUCK!!!! Jell-O. And they’re little Temptations pudding advertising. See, the idea is that it’s not like their other desserts (somehow). I mean, it...
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Microwave Cookery
It occurred to me recently the way people use microwave ovens. How different they can be. How just plain weird and wrong they can be! You see, when I’m microwaving something, I set the timer to...
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You Don’t Serve Me
Some nearby pizza place decided they didn’t want to serve me the other day. Only they didn’t know they said this. I hadn’t even walked in the door yet. They had one of them “we don’t serve teens”...
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Glaedelig Jul
I made cookies. That’s the main thing. I’d been studying cookie recipes for about a week and got eager to finally try one out. Want to develop my own cookie recipe sort of. I’ve already got a muffin...
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Mmmm, Candy Hearts 9
Huh? Does this heart say “Just Meh”? Wow, these things have lost their luster. Oh, wait. It says “Just Me + U”. Was a little faded. That makes more sense. *picks out another heart* “Hold hands”. Aww,...
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Baking Cookies
I hereby decree… Baking cookies is the happiest activity there is. Well, it is. Just say the words. Baking cookies. See, there’s a smile! Saying “let’s bake cookies!” conveys joy and excitement. It’s...
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Easter Creep
So I was at the grocery store earlier getting some food and avoiding going home to cringe at the Redskins game. I’m in the holiday aisle with a crapton of Christmas goodies, though not quite as much as...
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Chicago 2016
One moment in late February I’m idly browsing Southwest’s low fare calendar, and the next I’m saying “$72 roundtrip?! Fuck yeah, I’ll go to Chicago, why not?” So I did. I awoke just before 4am on April...
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Atlanta 2016, Part 2: Civil Rights & Coke
Part 1 – Part 2 I got up a little after 8am, packed my little bag, and headed on down to check out of the hotel, as I wouldn’t be able to come by again later. I wandered down Peachtree Street some ways...
View ArticleIt’s Not Your Candy
Happy Halloween! Anyway… No. Stop. Don’t touch it. It’s not yours. Earlier tonight, the kids traversed their neighborhoods in their awesome costumes and visited their neighbors with a familiar chant in...
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Shut Up and Give Them Candy
I hereby decree… If they come to your door on Halloween night, give them candy. Okay, you know that. Adorable costumed children come to the door and receive candy. That’s how it works. What if they’re...
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Mmmm, Candy Hearts 14
It’s Valentine’s Day! Time to muse about relationships while reading and eating the candy hearts- Oh. There aren’t any this year. Well, that’s a let down. You know what else is a let down? Breakups. To...
View ArticleWe Have a Serious Drinking Problem
A couple days ago, baseball season officially began (Go Nats!), a time of eating peanuts and hot dogs, homeruns, and yelling “why did you swing at that?! that was up to your eyeballs!”. Oh, and lots...
View ArticleMmmm, Candy Hearts 15
“CUTIE” Aww, thanks little candy heart. “YES” I… didn’t ask anything? “KISS ME” Well, you don’t mess around, do you! Yup, it’s Valentine’s Day, and once again I’ve got some conversation hearts....
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That’s Enough of That
Day 1: *looks at last year’s* And then once again it’ll be May 24, to do this again in 2020, for round 20, whatever form the world will be in then. Whatever indeed. Oh… oh man… Yikes. Day 7: Brownies!...
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